OYTD

it occurred to me that the entertainment industry is the most clever fucking tentacle of the capitalist creature.
you have all these people
right
people are what we are and what we're claiming to be a Right and something Holy, above all else. forever.
we put some of them on the internet, in a world of wires and clicks and glowing possibilities (virtually). for all their own sets of reasons, they have chosen (or inherited or been crammed into) a world of normal, not overly wealthy or lauded. just people, doin our thing. we're the cogs, after all. utilizing a cheaper means of experiencing the world, if we're honest.
then put a bunch of others, far fewer, you understand, and far more conventionally attractive. if they have a lineage, better! so ok, doll those fuckers up (who usually, as part of this agreement, sometimes pretend to be other people or just tell us their stories and show us their lives until this point and then what happened to them after this life began.) and throw them in front of any machine that captures images on a chemical plate and shit
yeah no, just keep em dressed up and shiny, you'll need a team, don't worry if you don't know all of it, aaaaannd just let the rest of the poor fuckers have at it all. images. products. art. any fucking MOVEMENT or breath or choice or anything. they need to be evermore under a magnifying glass, yeah until they die, it'll be great. no yeah, they're a renewable resource. please. so many, we scrape the barrel every decade or so, but sure enough, a new crop is always in the wings.

and so it goes.
and they stand in frames for the rest of their lives.
and we watch almost every second, endlessly. it can be extrapolated that this whole concept is what keeps us from noticing how things are and how we're trapped, restrained, limited, stripped of all joie de virve. we all just comply cuz really this runs on money and money drives this world. we can't resist what we NEED to help ignore resisting. come onnnnn

and this. is an industry.
we hold it up.

talk about a fucking singularity.

2009, about time

te leaves in a few hours for the clinical study for like a month.
we had a really good chat tonight about life and 'getting it.'
mostly i kept my mouth shut and did thinking and listening.
i might have a new plan
it might involve something more/other than the two or three options i was previously allowing myself to entertain.
octavia butler also helped me.
i think things are gonna be okay.

so anyway, i'll work on all that vague shit and keep this thing posted. bloggy thing.
i'm glad te and i are friends.
there's us on the left.

birthdays and wonderment: an accidental post in the middle of the night

i haven't been on top of my blogging shit. at first i was all stoked and thought about fun things to write about all the time. i should do that more.
lately i've been reading mostly. trying to move out. figure things out. be a damn adult or something.
i read a zine that te gave me to read. it's called the road to either or and it's about polyamory and treesits.
i know.
wtf.
it was alright. just some kid's summer journal in zine format and on tangledwilderness. i could write tons of stories about this summer or that point in time when loves and actions and life were all amazing and life-affirming by their very nature (this includes the sad parts) and coalescing into something really intense.

something i thought of: it kinda bums me out that jacob never let me read anything he wrote. it seems that he's a writer of sorts and keeps all his stuff pretty close, or at least away from me.
i remember when we first met and just before we started loveletteremailing for the next 3 years. he checked his myspace account in my apartment before he left (back to montgomery. weekending in tuscaloosa is such a good conception, now that i'm more removed). he opened my email account (perpetually logged in, to this day, to this minute. nobody's on gchat, it's 4), feigned a letter composition long enough to type in his email address into the SEND field and something banal like 'hey' in the body and told me to write him sometime.
and so i did. and he did. and i did. and on we went like that almost endlessly.

i looked at his myspace account. please, like i wasn't going to check THAT shit out after this weird little encounter with a weird stranger who was nothing but totally pleasant. he probably fed me tons of lies that night, but it didn't matter; i was 19, a sophomore, i was bored, he had a good arsenal of lines and moves and i just let him go for it.

so the myspace included some writings (incarnated into myspace blogs, how novel). i wish i could remember them more clearly. what i do recall just gets mixed with other stories i've heard and who knows what's fiction and what's purely false. they don't always overlap when you have all the faith and trust in the world in the storyteller. so i kept up with what i could read given that i had no myspace account and so we weren't myspace friends and he probably didn't know i was checking for more parts of the story every month or so. after a while the posts became friends only. not long after that, they didn't go up at all. then he got a new account. we never talked about it. i don't think he knows i read any of it.
now we don't talk at all.

back in january/february he revealed to another social networking site that he has some kind of collection of short stories and other things he's written and that he's been writing for years. i wanted to tell him that i figured as much, that i had read a couple things and that i was glad he's kept it up. i wanted to daydream about him offering me something of his to read. i wanted to know why he never told me.

i sometimes wonder what else he never told me. what other bits of goodness or badness he refrained from sharing during all our permutations of a relationship. i know he lied about how he felt after his wife left him. he told me he didn't really care, that he just didn't want to deal with her anymore and was over it.
truth (from a different, completely trustworthy source): he was crushed and didn't leave his (their) house for a week. understandably so. even if you date someone who you decide is a total asshole, you still dated them. you shared things and had moments and sex and those things mean something.

i wonder why he lied. i'll probably never know. it sucks to know there are things someone is leaving out, and not be able to get them to admit it. it's so weird. i wonder if he's doing that with his latest partner. i hope not.

it's not my fault though. these are his hangups and i feel like i made myself available and he just chose to lie or keep his mouth shut about certain things.
ultimately, i don't think that his honesty or openness would have changed the fate of our relationship very much. but still, i think about it and wonder.

today was his birthday and i didn't wish him a happy one. for the first time since 2006. he turned 27. these things mean something.
i would say to him:
jacob, roses are red
you're dead and you're blue
if you're green at nineteen
wtf does that make you?
happy birthday.
with love, alyse

i wonder if he'd get the reference. i wonder if i'll ever stop making those references. anyway, here's to recognizing his birthday and commemorating another day without his friendship with more questions and qualms. maybe one day we'll get a chance to catch up again. here's to wondering.

listening to: hum
birds: chirping

do it because you were born to do it

listening to rusko
reading the radical word
feeling pretty fucking good

same as it never was!

i'm admittedly susceptible to cues from pop culture. though i mostly make them up to apply to my life or not apply.
for example: snacksandshit.com while pretty hilarious isn't insidiously blowing my mind.
BUT THIS ONE TALKING HEADS SONG TOTALLY IS.
i've shared this song with a friend already, after i heard it on philly radio for the third time in one week.
now i hear it well-mixed into this DJ diabolical gin and juicy juice stream-able mixtape on philebrity.com

it's not that i'm annoyed by it, by any means. in fact i'm glad i've heard it so frequently because i can't remember the last time i had heard it. or where. and i really enjoy being able to make connections in my life history with little tidbits of music, movies, etc.
so the song is off a 1980 Talking Heads album, written by David Byrne and Brian Eno (dreem teem?) and it's got that timeless feel. not like Joan Osborne-esque or Fifth Dimension-y at all. but like if you hear it on the radio, you might be like 'wtf is...oh..hey. wow. this is a great song. i should try to remember to wiki it when i get home. OH COME ON GET IN YOUR LANE ASSHOLE'
CLEARLY my critiques and analyses of things are really well-phrased and relevant. (nothing compared to hipsterrunoff.com)
back to the song:

"usually interpreted to be a song dealing with the middle age crisis and the inevitable sacrifice of youthful ideals and dreams for conventional success"

which is just all too appropriate now that i've decided to dip my toe into the pool of quarterlife crisis mode to see if the water is TERRIFYING ENUFF.

it's just nice to have the occasional '...ohhh' feeling.
from friends who are helping me decide what dream to adopt and pursue
friends who are clicks away from my currently messy life and always up for trying to relate.
friends who give me subtle hints about life and encourage me to figure it out.
this song gives me that feeling.
the 'we're all fucked. oh, but in the meantime, have this feeling of comfort and security and rest assured that we're all fucked *together*' feeling.
i've been living for that feeling recently.
thanks to the ppl who give me that feeling!

thanks byrne and eno and philly radio for shoving the obscure but predictable messaging of this song into my earholes and braintissue.


now how do i put into this post that i'm listening to This Heat?
where's the FAQ page on chalking up all the cool pointz possible in a blog entry?

first!

currently i have no interests, fave books, movies, blah, blah, to list in the cutomizable section. hopefully that will change. i've got some scraps of interests and ideas of possible favorite bands that i should just start listing because something's gotta be my favorite right? feels like i haven't claimed anything as my 'fave' because i'm waiting for something better to come along.
not gonna call this the story of my life, just the intro to my blog. so here we go

uh oh.